Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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