I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
