Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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