ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
