He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
