WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
