if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
