I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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