just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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