I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
