Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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