$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
