So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
