She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
