The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I touched a dick in church today
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
