her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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