I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
