next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
