Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
