Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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