I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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