My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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