He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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