I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We don't watch enough power rangers
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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