Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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