So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
