Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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