my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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