sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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