she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
