they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize