after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
