..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
