Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
