I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
