She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
