Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
