I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
