dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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