you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
