He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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