yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
