I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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