Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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