True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
