can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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