I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
