Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
