I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
