I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
