Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
