i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
