I looked at my own cervix.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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