I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
