god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
