I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
